Wanted: Females with Big Boobs, Easy Friends, and Fast Cash
Hi Gals, I'm Dirk, and I'm the sexiest man alive in internet history. When you see a guy like me walking down the street, you want to be the girl he whistles at and calls baby as he slaps you in the ass while winking at the cuter girl behind you. On our first date, I'll come pick you up and bring you roses that I stole from my neighbors garden and then when I come in to meet your family, I'll hit on your younger sister and make sexual advances towards your mother. My car doesn't work as I don't own one, so I'll be paying my drunk friend, Adam, to drive us around town, so I hope you don't mind frequent stops for more alcohol and also for him to throw up intermittently as he is also on some heavy duty pain killers that make him very nauseous. I don't like animals and will generally lock little dogs out of your house when you walk away to go to the bathroom. I will not brush my teeth until I find you worthy and even then, I will still only use mouthwash for a maximum of 5 seconds, 10 seconds if you are really hot. We're going out to a great restaurant that serves top notch food and has some of the highest check averages around and yes, you'll be paying.
What I'm looking for is a complete door mat and someone who is so miserable that I can easily manipulate them to get what I want. It is incredibly necessary that you have no self esteem and any time you try to develop some, I will tell you that you look fat, that nobody really likes you, and that there are so many other women that are better for me out there. I believe in sex on the first date, honestly, I prefer sex before the first date, whereby you come to my house in the middle of a bad neighborhood in the middle of the night wearing some bright yellow bra and panties. If by chance you get pregnant, which would be nearly impossible via my prematurely irradiated testicles, I will expect the next guy you date to raise it as his own.
I expect that you respect my desire to show you disrespect in a public place to demonstrate to people around me that I am in charge and you are my submissive wench. When I call you names or criticize the little things that you do, I expect you to cry and to be genuinely emotionally affected. My intentions are clear: I will use you as much as I can until I find someone better looking and with more money, but don't worry, I will not break it off quickly, I will string you along and try to make it seem like it was your fault all along that things didn't work out. So please write to me as soon as possible and let me know what your bra size is, what size pants you wear, your favorite sexual positions, and if you are willing to have sex with some of my friends if they were willing to pay you (after of course I have first dibs). Also keep in mind that I have a lot of psychotic ex-girlfriends who will be jumping you after seeing you on a date with me, so I suggest you be handy with a fire arm or very good in hand to hand combat as some of the women I have dated have turned decidedly bitter and violent. Also, send nude pictures of yourself and any of your hot friends and if your hot friends are hotter than you, then send their numbers along with their pictures or just have them pick me up at my house so they can take me to the unemployment office to pick up my check. Just remember, don't be mad, baby, be glad, because the wise man James Brown once sang, "It's a Man's World!"
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