As we delightfully live in a world of fantasy, I am always curious to wonder how the products of our own imagination would fair in the real world. So in honor of Halloween, I wanted to look at the fate of our most famous monsters and spooks and see their eventual demise in our particular plane of existence.
The Mummy-Sure, he’s old, he’s cursed, and probably smells rather musty so there is no way this guy is taking you by surprise, nor has he ever displayed any of the speed or dexterity necessary for a surprise attack. He won’t last long because he’s going to wind up attacking someone who smokes cigarettes and you know his desert dried wrappings are going to burn up quicker than a politician’s moral stance in the face of a huge cash pay off.
Werewolves-Half man, half wolf and pure rage and violence, but luckily for infrared imaging and heavy tranquilizers, easily caught, chained up and then forced to fight each other in gruesome battles that would even make Michael Vick shiver. There is also the chance that any werewolves making their way from the forest to the city are going to be hit crossing the road by drunk drivers, especially around the holidays.
Vampires-Though the blood suckers may find that many high school kids adore dressing like them and brandishing fake fangs, what they don’t see is the many cameras around the buildings capturing all their moves to be later studied. Not only do the police forensics officers figure out that a vampire is doing the killings, they are also able to locate his lair and raid it in the middle of the day. A few vampires will survive though and go on to have awesome careers as soap opera stars and one might even run for president!
Zombies-The dead have risen and they are an unstoppable hoard, so what chance does man-kind have against this threat? The government, seeing the limitless potential of a maintenance free work force that doesn’t require any basic benefits or care, puts the zombies to work in various positions throughout society. If you thought trips to the DMV were slow before, try explaining the typo on your new license to the half dead and brain hungry clerk. Even if the government had no work for the ambling undead, the entertainment industry find use for them as'extras’ in music videos and movies.
Ghosts-Those lost souls that wander the earth and pass through walls will find themselves under heavy scrutiny by our greatest scientists. Not only will we figure out how to trap them, but we will in turn, see a huge profit in doing so as they can be neatly displayed for all the world to see and not in the usual trappings of some old derelict factory. We will also crack their secret of intangibility and use it in conjunction with newer car models as a fool proof crash deterrent system.
So you see, there is nothing to really be afraid of, because even if the worst of our fears came true, we would realize that we really should have been afraid of other something else instead. Of course, I would rather be afraid of something unreal, then to think that the worst of my fears actually lives down the street from me and has been canvassing my house for weeks now with murderous intent. So let’s all laugh and have a great time pretending to be scared and scary in a world that is potentially more horrific then we’d ever want to imagine…Happy Halloween!
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