If Fiction Appeared in Real Life

The people and creatures of our imagination often times live on a world similar to ours but not quite the same.  So I wondered what would it be like if some of our beloved fictional characters and pop culture icons came to our world.  How would things go?  What fate would befall them?  Curious?  Read below to find out more!

The Smurfs (in a lab): Two scientists are hovering over a glass tank and one says to the other, “It’s amazing, all these blue little humanoid creatures off in some random corner of the woods.  Even more amazing is how they managed to reproduce so much with just one female!”

The other scientist replies, “She’s quite attractive for a little blue creature…”

“Mmmhmmm, oh yes,” The first scientist agrees, stroking his chin with lust glowing on his face, “Indeed…”

Pac Man (at a dog park): “I told you lady, I eat power pellets, it’s what I do— it’s what I’ve always done!  I swear I did not see your dog directly in my path!”

He-Man (in Times Square): “Look sir, for one you have some nerve thinking you can dress like that in times square in the middle of the winter and two, it is illegal to carry a weapon in public, much lest hoist a huge battle sword in the air.  And I don’t know who this Grey Skull character is either, but he better have bail money because you’re going downtown!”

Pop-Eye (in a grocery store):  “Listen, I’m not sure why you keep squeezing those cans of spinach, but we prefer you purchase them and take them home and open them.  Oh and your wife olive asked me to find you and tell you that she was leaving you for Bluto and to expect the divorce papers soon…”

Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales (in an office):  “Well, Mr McDuck, due to tax evasion the IRS is going to have to seize all your assets and put you in jail, but we’ll set you free in a nice lake when your sentence is up.”

Donkey Kong (on top of construction site):  “What is the ape doing now?”  “Throwing barrels?!”  “Ok, chief, we have snipers in position ready to fire multiple kill shots on your command!”

The Guy from Grand Theft Auto (in a police car):  “You blew up half the city, car jacked over 30 vehicles and wrecked them, killed countless people and then you had sex with a hooker in an alley?  In 30 minutes,really?

Trix Rabbit (in a house in the suburbs):  “Get your damn hand off my daughter!”  The mother shouts.  The Trix Rabbit counters, “Look bitch, I don’t care about your whiny little kid, I want my damn Trix!”  The mother shouts back, “Listen rabbit, you don’t come into my house uninvited and try to take my kids cereal away from them.  Get off the meth and get the hell out of my house!”  The mom then pulls a shot gun from behind her back, cocks it, and then says, “Trix are for kids, asshole, don’t make me repeat it!”  “Alright, alright, I’ll be back, and those Trix are gonna be mine, you just wait and see...  Don’t you little bastards forget that!”

Homer Simpson (in jail): “I strangled my kid all the time! No one ever gave a shit before, why am I in prison now!?  Child abuse my ass, the damn kid got green paint all over me…what was I supposed to do? Stupid, Flanders turning me in to HRS!”

The Road Runner (in a drug cartel):  “Ok, here’s the deal, we’re gonna strap a couple satchels of cocaine to you and we want you to speed across the border and run right by the authorities, drop off the product to our contact, collect the money and speed your ass back here and repeat.  You got it?”

“Beep, beep!”

Crazy Video Game Hybrids I Would Like to Play

There are a ton of video games out there to play, but most of them follow the same classic formula and bear no resemblance towards reality. What if we could play games that were more devious, far out, and reminiscent of the real world we live in?  Well if you ever wondered what such a game would be like, check out below for some titles that I feel would be worth playing (for a few minutes at least...)

The Urban Legend of Zelda: HyruleWars-Drive around the city of Hyrule and stop Ganondorf from distributing grinded up pieces of the Triforce as the new addictive and devastating drug to destroy the nation’s youth.  Trade your hard earned rupees for new guns and ammo as well as have sex with Princess Zelda in the back of your car in a dark alley.

Halo Mario World-Take control of Master Chief as he stomps on Koopa Troopers and Goombas and shoots rockets up Bowser’s ass and take control of the Warthog's turret as Mario and Luigi drive you further into Koopa territory to rescue Princess Peach. 

Call of Pac-Man-The most played first person shooter meets the arcade classic in a no holds barred eating fest!  Take control of Pac-Man as you search the jungle and abandoned factories for enemy players and eat them before they eat you.

Red Dead Donkey Kong-Follow John Marston as he attempts to rescue his wife from Donkey Kong and the gang!  Pursue the nefarious ape on horse back as he throws flaming barrels as you from his own Snap Trap drawn carriage!

Final Fantasy City-Have you ever wondered what it would be like to build your own fantasy world and watch it grow?  In Final Fantasy City, you can make your own fantasy town amid lands filled to the brim with randomly encountered monsters and watch the stories unfold as heroes are born and save the day. 

Dance, Dance Dead Space-The atmospheric and scary first person shooter in space has you busting a move in order to escape the many monsters on the ship, as well as challenge them to random dance offs. 

Aliens Vs Predator Vs Street Fighter IV-Take street fighting up another notch as Ryu tries his fire balls against the Predator’s advanced laser cannon and Ken tries a round house kick on a Xenomorph with acid for blood.  Try to stop Chun Li from being impregnated by a face hugger and make sure Zangief doesn’t lose his head only to become a trophy for yet another Predator!

Splinter Cell: Double Dash-You are Sam Fisher and it is your job to race a go-kart to victory.  Sneak into the garages of your enemies the night before the races begin and sabotage their karts using your arsenal of stealth gadgets and attacks. When the big race is finally upon you, use your silenced weapon to take players out of the race without drawing attention to yourself!

Professor Layton and the Portal of Freedom-Our beloved Professor Layton has been knocked out only to find himself wake up in a mysterious laboratory with only a portal gun to help him get through the various rooms.  A menacing computer speaks to him from above about how useless his efforts are to solve the puzzles and that his assistant, Luke, will not be getting any cake at the end of the day.

Fallout 3: Guitar Hero-There is a new way to save a world torn apart by nuclear war and that is to play some crunchy tunes by a multitude of your favorite artists!  Earn money in the various post apocalyptic towns by performing at various taverns for bottle caps, but be careful of Super Mutant metal groups which will try to drown out your performance with their own loud renditions.

7 Super Bowl Benefits for Non Super Bowl Fans

There is just no denying the tradition of Super Bowl herein America.  In a few hours, I can bet you money that if you drive up and down your street, you will notice just about every other house engorged with partying people and a veritable car show parked up and down each side of the street.  I’ve never been much of a sports fan, as I can count the number of sport’s games I watch a year on one hand, but I do enjoy the Super Bowl, though it obviously has nothing to do with football itself.  Below I have listed seven benefits to the Super bowl for those of you who don’t like sports, so please enjoy!

7.  Women.  When and where there are parties, you will find lots of ladies and even the homiest of homebodies usually makes it out to one or more Super Bowl parties, so hit that Binaca guys and try your smoothest pick up lines. 

6.  Unity. When everyone is doing nearly the same thing, there is a sense of belonging that radiates through the air. Even if you aren’t going for either team, it’s still fun to cheer along with whoever is supported at whatever party you happen to be.

5.  Bad Ass TVs.  I would have to estimate that at least 5% of people in this country go out and buy a new TV before the Super Bowl, so what better way to stay in touch with all the new brands and features in today’s modern television sets then to sample one for nearly half a day?

4.  Bets. There is no doubt that many fans have put their money where their mouth is and have placed some decent sized bets on their favorite teams, so if someone happens to owe you money, this may be your lucky break, although it can also work against you if it’s a friend who loses the bet and they wind up bumming money from you for lunch for the following two weeks.

3.  Booze. Oh, the drinking!  There is nothing quite like free booze and beer and little else can create an atmostphere of unabandoned hedonism and crude consumerism like people getting sloppy during important sports games. With alcohol in one’s systems, the normal emotional response to the game is enhanced to sometimes near critical levels, causing remotes to be thrown,bottles to be broken, and every curse word imaginable being yelled with heartfelt emotion at the rival football team. 

2.  Super Bowl Commercials.  As a company, when you put your product out there on a day when you know EVERYONE will be looking, you HAVE got to put your best foot forward and therein we have the Super Bowl Commercials.  There can be some real gems created when our best marketing gurus twiddle their thumbs in an effort to create a memorable and thus profitable ad, after all, if it costs you millions just for a second of air time, you might want to go beyond the norm and make something special.

1.  Food. You have jalapeno poppers to potato skins lined up on tables and counters; standing tall are bottles of soda and big bowls of freshly made and often times spiked punch; bags of chips are nearly everywhere and nacho cheese sauce and tortilla chips reign supreme at the center of most snack tables.  It is a day where you will consume more sodium in four hours then you would have normally throughout the course of the entire week.  This is also a time when just about every mother, father, boyfriend, girlfriend, and grill aficionado will be busting out their culinary secret weapons in honor of game day, so be sure to arrive hungry!

There you have it, folks, as you can see there is much to enjoy even if sports aren’t your thing. It’s not whether who wins or loses but who throws the best party and who has the best time.  One thing I’ve always liked about Super Bowl parties is that you don’t need to be into any particular team to have a good time.  For the most part, the fans are into it enough themselves and don’t require your love or enthusiasm, though if they ask for it and you’re eating their food, by all means be a good guest!  We can’t also forget the simple fact that events like the Super Bowl pump a lot of money into the economy, so if anything, celebrate for the simple fact that you can afford to do so.  I also feel compelled to say if you’re going to drink, find a place to pass out instead of driving your drunken ass home or you can simply do as I do, get there early, drink a lot, and then gradually sober up as the night progresses. Enjoy the day, folks.

If Movies Weren't So Idealistic...

Hollywood is always about happy endings, last minute rescues, and once in a life time romances, but what if that was not the case?  How would certain popular movies be if things didn’t always work out so conveniently?

*spoiler alerts may apply to some of these, so if you haven't seen a particular title here, avoid reading about it*

Twilight: New Moon: Edward leaves Bella for a prettier and younger girl who he will in turn dump as soon as she begins to age even a year. I mean, come on, the guy is a perpetual pervert, masquerading as a teenager for eons and let’s face it, even a 60 year old woman is underage for a vampire, right?

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi:  The emperor’s force lightning gives Luke Skywalker a heart attack and he drops dead.

Jaws:  The U.S.Military is called into action after the many shark related deaths.  They respond with a torpedo from a nuclear submarine to dispatch the behemoth shark.

Any action movie:  The enemy aims at the hero, shoots, and actually hits him.

E.T.:  The boy and E.T. are captured by the government and the boy is held in quarantine indefinitely until they can ascertain if the alien is a real threat or not.  E.T. is subjected to a battery of humiliating tests including many anal probes, to which he could only mutter,“My people never anal probed you, why do you have to do it to me?”

The Book of Eli:  He walks and trips into a hole breaking his neck. How far can a blind man walk without a cane?

Rocky IV:  Ivan Drago says to Rocky, “I will break you”…and he does with a severe concussion, a broken jaw, and permanent loss of motor skills for poor Rocky. 

The Fast & The Furious-Vin Diesel is hit from the side by a drunk driver and plows into the guy he is racing.  Nobody is killed, but the drunk driver goes to jail for a DUI and the two racers go for reckless driving.  There won’t be another sequel until bail is posted.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:  Sorry Mr. Jones, but you shouldn’t have tried to retrieve your hat from the room with the sinking ceiling because now your arm is pinned beneath the door which had once already carried you to safety.  Such a shame too, you had another couple good movies to do.

Predator:  Dutch covers himself in mud to hide from the creature but he is killed any way.  Apparently, the Predator had another vision filter that the movie didn’t show.  I mean, seriously, this creature came from across the universe, had a proton cannon on his shoulder and a small self destruct device on his forearm that is so powerful it could level an entire jungle, so yeah, mud ain’t gonna cut it,bud. 

There you go, now while I welcome normal comments, I would love for you all to keep this going, as in comment back with your own realistic ending or conclusion to popular movies.  I know there are a ton that I missed and there are a lot of movie lovers out there with a ton of material to add to this little topic!

Real Consequences for Fictitious Monsters

As we delightfully live in a world of fantasy, I am always curious to wonder how the products of our own imagination would fair in the real world.  So in honor of Halloween, I wanted to look at the fate of our most famous monsters and spooks and see their eventual demise in our particular plane of existence.

The Mummy-Sure, he’s old, he’s cursed, and probably smells rather musty so there is no way this guy is taking you by surprise, nor has he ever displayed any of the speed or dexterity necessary for a surprise attack.  He won’t last long because he’s going to wind up attacking someone who smokes cigarettes and you know his desert dried wrappings are going to burn up quicker than a politician’s moral stance in the face of a huge cash pay off.

Werewolves-Half man, half wolf and pure rage and violence, but luckily for infrared imaging and heavy tranquilizers, easily caught, chained up and then forced to fight each other in gruesome battles that would even make Michael Vick shiver.  There is also the chance that any werewolves making their way from the forest to the city are going to be hit crossing the road by drunk drivers, especially around the holidays.

Vampires-Though the blood suckers may find that many high school kids adore dressing like them and brandishing fake fangs, what they don’t see is the many cameras around the buildings capturing all their moves to be later studied.  Not only do the police forensics officers figure out that a vampire is doing the killings, they are also able to locate his lair and raid it in the middle of the day.  A few vampires will survive though and go on to have awesome careers as soap opera stars and one might even run for president!

Zombies-The dead have risen and they are an unstoppable hoard, so what chance does man-kind have against this threat?  The government, seeing the limitless potential of a maintenance free work force that doesn’t require any basic benefits or care, puts the zombies to work in various positions throughout society.  If you thought trips to the DMV were slow before, try explaining the typo on your new license to the half dead and brain hungry clerk.  Even if the government had no work for the ambling undead, the entertainment industry find use for them as'extras’ in music videos and movies.

 Ghosts-Those lost souls that wander the earth and pass through walls will find themselves under heavy scrutiny by our greatest scientists.  Not only will we figure out how to trap them, but we will in turn, see a huge profit in doing so as they can be neatly displayed for all the world to see and not in the usual trappings of some old derelict factory.  We will also crack their secret of intangibility and use it in conjunction with newer car models as a fool proof crash deterrent system.

 So you see, there is nothing to really be afraid of, because even if the worst of our fears came true, we would realize that we really should have been afraid of other something else instead.  Of course, I would rather be afraid of something unreal, then to think that the worst of my fears actually lives down the street from me and has been canvassing my house for weeks now with murderous intent.  So let’s all laugh and have a great time pretending to be scared and scary in a world that is potentially more horrific then we’d ever want to imagine…Happy Halloween!

The Crash Course for Hollywood Villains

As a bad guy, do you feel that you are not getting your point across?  Has your goody two shoes counterpart been an unceasing menace in your grand scheme to take over the world?  Before you give up on all hope of planetary domination, you might want to check out the crash course for Hollywood villains, which is a three week training camp showing bad guys how to be even badder.  We begin by flying you out to our secret training camp located in the heart of a dormant volcano, but don't worry about getting thirsty, because there is a full liquor bar available, as well as catered food by world renowned chef, Gordon Ramsey.  We also have many work shops to help villains improve their techniques and avoid common mistakes:

Super Villain Speech Class-As a villain, we know it's important that you give a little exposition, but we also realize that the longer speeches tend to give the hero ample time to escape.  C.C.H.V. will show you how to get your diabolical plot across in half the time, but still retain that ominous build up for which you were aiming.   

Expert shooting exercises for you and your henchmen.  Every villain knows how hard it can be to hit the hero of the day, even when you have 20-30 men at your disposal with automatic weapons.  C.C.H.V. has hired only the finest assassins to show you and your men how to aim at and shoot another person!  We mean kill shots too, no shoulder wounds, no grazing, no missing vital organs, we shoot to kill, folks.

Menacing Laugh Workshops-What villain wouldn't be complete without a devious, almost blood curdling laugh?  Work with our many finely trained speech pathologists as they teach you to laugh from the belly and really give a sense of unbridled insanity when you confront the next hero that comes and tries to stop you.  Our staff members also train you in the methods of detecting life signs, so that you don't laugh ominously without being completely sure that you have in fact ended the hero effectively. 

Money Management-We realize that many villains need plenty of cash to carry out their plans and not only can we help you in the planning of your capers, but also, we have a host of black market organizations that offer their services to help make your dark dreams come true.  All of our trained killers are recommended via FireYourAssassin.com.  We also have huge lists of law enforcement and government officials who accept bribes and well as kick backs in your area!

In addition to all of our helpful workshops, there will be a host of guest speakers that will speak on many subjects including "Psychological Warfare?  Worth the time or not?" and "Wild Animals That Make Threatening Pets" and of course, "Getting the Girl: The Ins and Outs of Capturing the Hero's Girlfriend and Keeping her Captured!" 

After your three weeks is over, you will receive a certificate of completion that you can hang up proudly in your evil lair.  Please keep in mind that by telling other people about this place will cause you to forfeit your own life and also know you have only three days to decide if you want to quit the program and get your money back.  All major of forms of payment are accepted, weapon and human trafficking also welcome as forms of payment as well, please inquire further for more details.  The Crash Course for Hollywood Villains is an equal opportunity employer and a drug free work place.

The Universal Horoscope

Good news and bad news are coming.  You will find the love of your life soon and if you already have, then your love will win the lottery.  Drama may ensue between someone you know or not, but it will be worked out eventually so do not worry.  Keep a look out for speeding cars, the smell of gas, feral animals, psychotic samurais, sink holes, falling asteroids, mercenaries, cross fire, spelling errors, over due bills, pot holes, toys with sharp edges, sand spurs, vats of sulfuric acid, 1000 foot cliffs, alien invasions,and of course, potential fire hazards in your own home. 

A decision you have been dreading to make will be made easier by someone else. Don’t forget to think of yourself when you are helping others and when the sun is shining on your side of the earth, be sure to use sunscreen.  At some point in time, you will eventually run into an old friend and you will share in some nice nostalgia.  You will eventually accomplish that which youhave been trying to for ages now.  If there is something you’ve been dying to try, now is the time to try it.   If you find yourself with a problem, take the necessary steps to solve it. 

When this year is over, you will find yourself further along the time/space continuum.  When life gives you lemons,make Chicken Francaise or if you don’t prefer chicken, use it on some Shrimp Scampi.  Avoid flooded roads, promises of instant wealth, pills offering bigger breasts or a bigger penis, and never trust a man who is holding a gun on you.